{Review} Under the Influence by L.B. Simmons

Dalton,
I loved you once. A love I thought irrevocable. A love I mistakenly believed could transcend both time and circumstance. Under the influence of my dimwitted, naïve, traitorous heart, I became intoxicated with what I now know was simply a figment of my self-indulgent imagination. So drunk on the feeling, I couldn’t see what was right in front of my face. So foolishly enamored, I blindly followed my heart into the depths of an emotion that would ravage me. 
Years later, I know now what I wish I knew then. I am stronger. Smarter. Tougher. I will not allow myself to be broken again. 

I loved you.

I raged for you.

I wept for you.

And now, I’m letting you go.

Author’s Note: Under the Influence is the journey of two childhood friends that spans the course of five pivotal years in their lives. It is a story about their discovery of true friendship as it blossoms into first love, their experience of crucial sacrifice and ultimate betrayal, and their endurance of agonizing heartbreak on the way to finding lasting redemption.

I have to admit, this book was really rough. The grab your heart, squeeze it as tight as it possibly can, let it go, and just when the pressure is easing, start squeezing all over again... This process is continued until the very end, when the heart is finally set free. 

It was all very emotional and heartbreaking but with a silver lining that you are holding out hope it will end happily...

This story is told in a dual POV, with alternating chapters and it packed more of a punch being written this way because we get all the feels from both main characters in the story. When I say pack a punch, I really mean it. Because just as I was recovering from one POV, the other one gut punches me and I spent majority of the book with tears in my eyes that at different points of the story it became hard to read through them and I was forced to take a break. 

It was all very raw and powerful with a hint of poeticness that bleeds through the paper. It was true love, tragedy, hopelessness, and revenge all rolled up in a little book that made me want to rip my own emotions out so I didn't have to feel them anymore. 

I am no newbie when it comes to L.B's writing. I have read all but one of her books and I know how much of an amazing writer she is. I knew it was going to be good going into it because it had her name on it. I wasn't wrong. I was wrapped up in the story almost immediately and I didn't want the journey to end but I wanted the powerful punches to stop knocking me sideways. 

At some point, I think it was a little too much, too many feelings being discussed at once and it just needed to be broken up a little bit so I could catch my breath. 

Dalton was fierce and protective. He had a fucked up childhood and took comfort from someone who was just using him. He had so many demons to overcome and I liked the journey I was taken on with him. I got to see him grow, love, and accept everything that happened in his life. 

Spencer is like one of those people who has a positive outlook on everything and tries to get people to see their full potential without pushing them. I saw her change in this story. Turn bitter and angry. It was heartbreaking. 

I think the letters were the worst and best part of this story. They held so much depth and added so much character to the story. Reading them were like getting a glimpse inside both of their souls and having them exposed right there for everyone to read. They were sad but I liked how LB did this because even as years passed, I got to see the mindset of both characters. 

All in all I really enjoyed this Dalton and Spencer's story. Even with the material being so heavy with emotions, it was still a great story. I would advise not reading it if you are in a great mood because it will quickly diminish by the end. 

I give this book a 4 "Emotional gut punches" Stars!!! 

This book will be LIVE on May 11th!!!!

Excerpt

Spencer POV:

Dalton’s voice is thick as he begins to speak. “I’m sorry, Spence. I know I hurt you—”

I shake my head dismissively. “You didn’t hurt me. I’m just tired.”  

The corners of his mouth dip downward and he lifts his hand, placing his palm against my cheek and swiping the moisture with his thumb. My heart would typically melt at the tenderness of the gesture, but now I find it only aggravates me. I narrow my eyes and shove his hand away from my face. 

“Don’t do that. Don’t do something you don’t mean.”

Channeling my sorrow, anger begins to churn as I step away and turn my back on him. My bare feet carry me to the wooden rail that lines my porch and I brace my good hand against it, leaning forward and inhaling deeply. 

Dalton growls with frustration. “What the fuck? Of course I mean it. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Spence. I’m trying to apologize here.” 

I laugh humorlessly and turn to face him. “For what, exactly? For stalking me on my date tonight?”  

His blue eyes now heat with a different emotion as they slice to mine. “The date in which you were being manhandled by some fucking loser who asked you out for no other reason than to get back at me?” He scoffs openly. “You should be thanking me.” 

I cease the fight to hold back my tears, permitting them to flow freely as I respond. “I handled it, did I not? I don’t need you to protect me, Dalton. I can take care of myself.”

He chuckles, unsmiling, as he removes his cap and throws it to the ground, dragging his fingers through his hair in irritation. My glare hardens as I continue my rant. 

“And yes, he asked me out to get back at you. Are you apologizing for that? Or are you apologizing for the fact that because of your stupid crusade against me dating anyone EVER, I was so excited to be asked out that I accepted a date with said fucking loser because I wanted to know what it would be like to actually be wanted for once?” Not entirely true, but true enough to make my point.

My breaths are heavy and my pulse is thrumming rapidly through my entire body. I angrily wipe away the tears as I inquire, “Why is that, Dalton? Why is it that you don’t want me, but no one else is allowed to have me?” I shake my head in frustration as I stumble on my words. “I just…I don’t understand.” My voice trembles and my chin quivers with the admission. 

Dalton heavy boots sound as he stalks across the porch. I avert my gaze, but once he’s in front of me, he curls his fingers around my chin and pulls my face into his line of sight. His eyes burn into mine as they narrow in earnest. “You think I don’t want you? Goddamn it, Spencer,” he bites, “I want you so much I can’t fucking breathe when I’m not with you. Every single time I force myself to walk away from you, I feel nothing but agony as the anger that simmers here,” he breaks to pound his closed fist on his chest, “breaks free and chars my insides with each step I take.”

His eyes begin to glisten and his jaw tightens as he shakes his head. “I can’t fucking breathe without you, don’t you get it? I want you so much that being without you is absolute torture.” 

He swallows deeply and moisture seeps from my eyes at the sight of his exposed emotion as he continues. “I want you, Spence, but I can’t have you. I won’t allow it. You’re too good, too pure, too innocent, and just as your presence soothes me, mine will eventually flaw you. It’s inevitable, and I care too much for you to let that happen.” 

I watch a lone tear fall from the corner of his eye before he concludes, “But you’re right. Even thinking about you with someone else, with someone else’s arms around you as you look into their eyes the same way you’re looking into mine right now, I just…” He casts his stare downward and shakes his head. “I just can’t. So I guess I’m just a selfish, heartless prick, because where does that leave you?”

The tear finally falls free from his chin, and I watch it strike the wood beneath our feet before placing my hands on the side of his face and forcing his eyes to mine. My voice trembles as I speak. “I know you like to control things, Dalton. That’s how you’ve learned to cope and I understand that, but you don’t control me. My feelings. My heart. And even though you feel you don’t deserve those things, that they’re not yours to have, you’re mistaken.”

I tighten my grip as he tries to look away and state with emphasis, “You ask where that leaves me? Well, it leaves me right in the same place, on this same porch, as I was six years ago when I met you. The day that all of those things you think you can’t have I willingly handed over without question.”

Releasing my hold, I turn away from him, knowing his refusal will absolutely destroy me as I state into the night air, “I have always belonged to you. I will always belong to you.  Regardless of what you’ve done, what you do, or what you will do, I will forever be yours. And that’s my choice to make, whether you choose me or not.”